My father’s mother has had perhaps the biggest influence on my life. Her endless patience and unconditional love for me has shaped the way I love others and I try to live in a way that would make her proud.
I miss her every single day.
She loved hummingbirds and always had full feeders hanging from her porch. Whenever I’ve made a big decisions or have gone through something hard I see a hummingbird, even in the middle of the winter. Whenever I see a hummingbird, I see her. I feel that she sends them to me to reassure me that everything is going to be ok. They day I started to miscarry I was sitting in the front yard while the Hub took out his feelings on an ugly fountain with a sledgehammer. It was loud and I couldn’t stop crying.
Then, out of nowhere a hummingbird flew into the yard amidst all of the chaos and came right to me. The Hub stopped and we both just watched her hang in the air like magic. I could feel my grandmother right there with me, hear her voice telling me it was going to be ok, that I was going to be ok.
Yesterday after a particularly bad day where I was barely hanging onto my sanity and negativity was all I could muster, I saw my first hummingbird since my miscarriage. She flew right up to me, so close I could have touched her, and she brought me peace. She told me again to just let go. To let life happen. So I did.
Those we love stay with us, we just have to pay a little more attention.
This is my happy place…
Over the weekend I brought my daughter out to experience it with me. She was in heaven, and I couldn’t have felt more joy at her happiness. What I call “my mountain” is really the farthest out-cropping of a sprawling mountain ridge. It’s still pretty fun to climb and can be an intense workout, but it’s not impossible for anyone to do it. If my two-year old can do it, what’s your excuse? We had so much fun, she refused to stick to any trails, and her favorite part was climbing the rocks and running downhill. She makes me so proud.
When we got to the mountain and started up the trail she decided she wanted to go a totally different way. We asked her to follow us and stay on the trail, she looked up at us, waved and said “Bye Mom, bye Dad!” and continued on her own. In the middle of the desert, where she has never been before. No fear, no worries, just a wave and she was on her way. That kid…
Sunday morning I woke up with a burning throat and throbbing ears so the Hub got up early with Little Miss and they had some Daddy/Daughter bonding time while I rested. We spent most of the day laughing, snuggling, and splashing in Emi’s new pool. We ended the day in the backyard, doing tire flips (with Emi’s help, of course!) and running around. Emi loves to do what we do and I hope fitness just becomes an organic part of her life. Active will just be something she’s always been.
All in all, it was quite a refreshing weekend. After everything, peace radiates through our house and I am soaking it deep into my bones.
My baby turns 2 in a few weeks. T-W-O. Sometimes it seems that time has passed so quickly this must be a dream. I remember her tiny baby finger nails, how LOUD her cries could be, the vernix lingering in the creases of her skin. That was just last week, I swear. How is she pushing her balance bike down the sidewalk, yelling “See you later!” and blowing me kisses like she’s a big girl? When did all of those moments turn into years?
Last year I drove myself crazy throwing her a fancy, themed birthday party. It was stressful and I was a ball of anxiety. I was STILL rushing around setting things up as guests arrived, I even had a panic attack about making cupcakes then felt guilty for buying them from the store. I was trying to live up to the ideal of the perfect mom I have in my head. I wanted to prove that I had everything together. That I could do it. I barely held it together, but damnit I was going to make it work even if it killed me.
Yet, even after all of that, I started planning her second birthday party months ago. The theme was adorable, the food and games tied in perfectly. It was going to be perfect. I started planning months in advance, I made my lists and budgets and even designed the invitiations. As I filled them in I felt that anxiety creeping back in. I didn’t want to do this again. So I wont.
I called it all off and the Hub and I planned a family vacation instead. We’re going to get away, let someone else make the beds and clean the toilets. All of the events we have planned are centered around my fierce little one’s mental and physical abilities. I’ve deliberately decided to forgo the typical vacation activities, jamming our days full and overstimulating all of us in favor of quieter, more intimate experience. We’re going to play in the water at a splash park, visit a small aquarium, and spend her birthday romping through one of the largest, most beautiful parks on the West coast. We’re going to center as a family and enjoy each other without the normal interruptions of every day life. I can’t wait.
After all we’ve been through in the last month this is exactly what we need. Let the salty air refresh our souls and take the time to refocus on our family as it is, not as it could have been.