New Year, New Look!

Hi. You might have noticed things changing around here. My life has changed so much in the past year and I want those changes to be reflected here as well.

2014 was a year of miles for me. I ran 9 races in 8 months, logged over 200 miles and developed a respect for a sport I always thought was beyond my abilities. With work and dedication I went from a 14 minute mile to a 9, from not being able to run a quarter mile to completing a vicious 20k. Through running I was able to recenter, better deal with my postpartum depression, and give myself the energy and confidence I needed to get back into the gym. Through running I realized I can still be an athlete.

That’s what it all really boils down to for me, what can I do that I never thought possible? What kind of example can I set for my girls as they grow up in this very complicated and women-negative culture? I want them to look at a challenge and not even question it because it’s just natural for them to go, do, conquer. I want them to hear “Girls don’t/can’t/shouldn’t…” and to be able to say “Girls do, I’ve seen it.”

Not to mention I feel better than I have felt in a long time. My mind is clearer, I’m happier, and I’m more determined than ever.

I’ve got big plans for 2015, big lifts and big miles are waiting for me. 500 lbs and 500 miles, here I come!

musclemama

New Year, New Look!

16 Weeks

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Rainbow baby is the term for a baby after the loss of a previous child. It is the understanding that a rainbow’s beauty does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn’t mean that the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds.

I feel you now baby, little flutters and tickles every once in a while. I’ve felt your soul since the very beginning, but feeling your movement is such a relief. I even bought a doppler and though I don’t use it often or for very long, every time I hear the flutter of your heartbeat it soothes those jagged places that still exist in side of me.

Baby, you are so strong. The beginning of this pregnancy was just like the last, but you held on, charged through. When I thought you were lost, you waved to me as if to say, “I’m right here Mom, don’t worry.” But I do. I worry all of the time. I love you so much, I want you so fiercely that I worry every day. With every nudge you reassure me, though and I am no longer gripped in fear all of the time. I understand your strength and it helps me be strong, too. I have so many hopes for you, and I can’t wait to meet you.

I love you, Baby. Bigger than the moon.

16 Weeks

Between Big and Little

My blog name is now outdated. That pacifier? She gave it up weeks ago. Barely batted an eye. We said, “You don’t need this,” and she believed it. Like we knew what we were talking about, like we know anything.

She used to ask me to kiss her hurts, lately she just kisses them herself.

“Ouch. Aw better.”

So this is parenthood. This shift, this push, this pull, this constant changing. Ready or not…

“I love you, Baby.”

“Lo’ ‘ou, Mommy.”

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Between Big and Little