I love pregnancy. I love birth and babies, breastfeeding, parenting — all of it. If there is one thing I have complete confidence in myself in, it’s being a mother. I love my daughter so much that it doesn’t matter how many mistakes I make or how much I still have to learn, I know that I am doing my absolute best every single day and that she’ll never doubt that she is loved. That matters to me more than anything. This role feels so absoutely right to me that I don’t doubt it’s what I am meant to do. Since losing this baby, I’m starting to feel the one thing I never did before, and the one thing I never wanted to associate with motherhood.
I am afraid to get pregnant, not because I don’t want to, but because I want it more than I ever have. And now, I am afraid it will get taken away again. I am afraid to start trying, my excitement replaced with trepidation and anxiety. Things I never worried about, something that I lived for just a few short months ago, is tainted now. Change in life is unavoidable. I know that someday I will see a beautiful round belly and I won’t ache to fill my own. That I’ll see a squishy little face and be content with gobbling up it’s cheeks and then waving good bye. That’s the natural rythmn to life, and that’s fine. I never wanted to fear it though, and that’s where I am stuck.
Nothing will change this, I could have 100 healthy babies and I know that I will still have the same sense of dread in my heart that something will go wrong. This is my truth now, and this is my attempt at acceptance. The fear I had before of loss wasn’t real, wasn’t tangible like it is now. I thought I was afraid of it, but I was niave and honestly never thought it would happen to me. I had a healthy pregnancy, a relatively uncomplicated labor, and a beautiful baby girl. Why wouldn’t that just be the way it went again? Who knows why, but it wasn’t. And I’m here in the aftermath, putting pieces back together and tossing those that no longer fit. And through it all I find these lyrics floating around my brain, reassuring me that fear is ok, pain is ok, I am ok.
Just because it burns doesn’t mean you’re gonna die, you gotta get up and try and try and try…