It’s been a long time. I’m not gone and I haven’t given up, my words just feel more private now. The letters I write to Emi feel like hers, and it’s not my choice to share them. So I sit back and I watch her and once in a while I think about this blog and the diary/love letter that it became. I miss it.
I miss putting emotions into words and I miss emotions being easy enough to put into words. When I am happy I am quiet, content to sit back and watch life going on around me. I don’t lose my words; I just don’t need to scream them or let them bleed onto paper to relieve the pressure. Pain fills your body with lead, weighs you down, until you’d do anything to find relief. Happiness fills your body with light and warmth and the only weight you feel is the hand on your waist and the not-so-baby in your arms. That’s where I’m at most days, full of light and warmth and my hands are too busy tickling to type. Life is crazy that way.
So while nothing is ever perfect, I’m still sleep deprived and there will never be enough hours in the day, everything is perfect. Amazing. Blessed. Tis the season of feeling cheerful, loving, grateful, and giving and that is exactly where my mindset is; so merry Christmas or Happy Holidays if you prefer.
I’ll be back eventually.