No One Told Me I Would Lose Me

Maybe it’s not common, maybe it’s commonly forgotten, maybe I’ll feel too ashamed to even post this, but pregnancy isn’t what I expected. Now don’t get me wrong I KNEW what to expect, the nausea and fatigue, the moodiness and what not, but I wasn’t prepared. I wasn’t prepared to shy away from my friends and family, to want nothing but my bed and books. I guess I kind of am me, but I am a me I haven’t been for a long time, a me I thought I grew out of. It’s not that I’m not happy, because I couldn’t feel more love for this child or for my husband that I do now, it’s just that I am also sad. I am tired and sick and rather than get better as I get closer to my second trimester it’s gotten worse. Am I going to be like my mom? 40 weeks of throwing up just because the wind blew in my face? Dear God, I hope not. The worst part is that I don’t, I can’t see the end of this. I’m not miserable mentally, but physically I am and it’s draining the reserves I have in my brain to separate my logic and my emotions.

Part of it is that I am, frankly, a little tired of worrying about everyone’s opinions, preparing myself for arguments before they have the chance to arise. It’s to the point I don’t even want to talk to anyone about babies, birth, shots, slings, ANYTHING. Unfortunately, I care what people think, and caring what they think but knowing that I am going to do what I think is best in the end, causes me to take things personally and feel a lot of unnecessary anger. Anger makes me tired.

It’ll pass and in a few weeks I’ll be laughing at this post, calling myself dramatic and eating 14 cinnamon rolls because that’s my new favorite past time. At least, I fucking hope so.

Until then, this is me being honest, and begging you not to say “I told you so.”

No One Told Me I Would Lose Me

3 thoughts on “No One Told Me I Would Lose Me

  1. Allycat says:

    Hang in there lady. You’ve got people on your side, respecting what you believe in too. Just eat lots of popsicles. I would send you some, but I am thinking that they do not travel well. Just a hunch.

  2. Wendy says:

    I just read this, because I’m a loser at keeping up. But I wanted to let you know I GET IT. And it’s something that nobody can warn you about/explain to you until it’s happening to YOU. You will feel something like this when your baby comes too. It’s normal. And oddly enough, it does end. You know I’m always free to discuss baby stuff 🙂

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