Maybe it’s not common, maybe it’s commonly forgotten, maybe I’ll feel too ashamed to even post this, but pregnancy isn’t what I expected. Now don’t get me wrong I KNEW what to expect, the nausea and fatigue, the moodiness and what not, but I wasn’t prepared. I wasn’t prepared to shy away from my friends and family, to want nothing but my bed and books. I guess I kind of am me, but I am a me I haven’t been for a long time, a me I thought I grew out of. It’s not that I’m not happy, because I couldn’t feel more love for this child or for my husband that I do now, it’s just that I am also sad. I am tired and sick and rather than get better as I get closer to my second trimester it’s gotten worse. Am I going to be like my mom? 40 weeks of throwing up just because the wind blew in my face? Dear God, I hope not. The worst part is that I don’t, I can’t see the end of this. I’m not miserable mentally, but physically I am and it’s draining the reserves I have in my brain to separate my logic and my emotions.
Part of it is that I am, frankly, a little tired of worrying about everyone’s opinions, preparing myself for arguments before they have the chance to arise. It’s to the point I don’t even want to talk to anyone about babies, birth, shots, slings, ANYTHING. Unfortunately, I care what people think, and caring what they think but knowing that I am going to do what I think is best in the end, causes me to take things personally and feel a lot of unnecessary anger. Anger makes me tired.
It’ll pass and in a few weeks I’ll be laughing at this post, calling myself dramatic and eating 14 cinnamon rolls because that’s my new favorite past time. At least, I fucking hope so.
Until then, this is me being honest, and begging you not to say “I told you so.”