I know what it is, I understand why it is, but I am completely powerless to change it. My body is stronger than me.
When you are pregnant, and when you breast feed, your body goes through major hormonal changes. The biggest probably being the huge spikes of oxytocin (a hormone that causes the feeling of love, attachment, and addiction) that continually course through your body.
When you give birth and when you stop breast feeding those hormones plummet. This beautiful hormone that has been carrying you through daily 10 hour scream fests, through months of sleep deprivation, through the fear and anxiety and overwhelming joy, are just gone. It doesn’t happen over night usually and in its place is usually some independence, sleeping through the night, and communication - albeit limited. I think those trade-offs usually compensate. Except sometimes they don’t.
I wanted to encapsulate my placenta, to save the amazing hormones contained in it for a rainy a day, but after a few months of being fine I decided to plant it instead. Now I want to rip that tree out of the ground and grind it into dust. I hate that tree. Let me repeat, I hate A TREE.
So here I am 9 months after the birth of my daughter, vacillating between angry or apathetic. I knew this could happen, I understood that some women have a very hard time with the weaning process. That I’m being hijacked by my body in a sense and it’s not my fault. But it feels like my fault and it feels like a failure. Some days are good and a LOT of days are hard. It’s weird, I don’t feel overwhelmed with parenting, in fact being with my daughter is about the only thing that makes me feel ok. (Oxytocin) I know that eventually my body will even out and I’ll be “normal” again. I can accept what is happening to me. I have love, support, and understanding, which always helps. I also know all too well what depression feels like. I can admit that I am depressed. I am not lost, though, just wandering.
My daughter is 41 weeks old today and the baby blues don’t hold a candle to this…